My New Job Title: Knife-Wielding Stay At Home Mom.

Today is off to a great start.

I had to drive into Minneapolis, to obtain a passport before May. I hate driving to Minneapolis. I’m not a huge “city” fan and all the “One Way” streets, construction zones and invisible parking, is straight up confusing for me.

However, I made it. Without breaking too many laws. At least, not getting caught breaking too many laws. I only went the wrong way down a “One Way” once. That was to score an awesome parking spot, so I’m assuming that was cool.

I think I overpaid for parking? Not sure how the machine worked, so I just pushed a couple of buttons, slid in my credit card, printed out a piece of paper and ran. Whatever.

I thought then, that the driving and parking process was the hard part.

Upon entering this very official looking Federal Building, I had to walk through security.

I am a simple girl. I had nothing in my pockets, no belt, small tiny (slightly messy) purse and the paperwork I needed for my passport.

I saw a few people emptying out what had to be a cash registers worth of coins from pockets, removing belts, and even pulling stuff from their purses. I scoffed while watching them, thinking “These amateurs, not even prepared for a simple security scan.”

However, when it was my turn, things didn’t go so smoothly.

The security lady that was helping me, kept running my purse back and forth in the machine, looking rather confused. She would run it through, open it, look inside, close it and run it again. This process was done around 4 times, before she called over another security person.

I kept apologizing, wondering what the hell it looked like I was carrying. All I had (so I thought) was a purse full of mints, pens, toy cars, old receipts, a wallet, a cell phone and rather large key chain. She pulled out the key chain already and the phone, but still looked confused.

The other security person, dug through my purse and found the item in question…a pocketknife.

Oh *#$^!

(Please feel free to fill in whatever swear word you feel is appropriate in a moment like this…I had several and couldn’t pick just one.)

The, very nice and VERY UNDERSTANDING, security man, after looking at my very red face of embarrassment, handed me my knife and told me it couldn’t come inside.

I said, “Please just throw it away! I’m SO SORRY! I totally forgot that was in there from my fossil hunting trip with my son last week!”

You see, I did go on a fossil hunting trip last week. I brought a pocket knife as my protection/digging tool. Completely forgot I shoved it in my purse once we realized we couldn’t find anywhere to do some fossil hunting.

He said, “I can’t do anything with it, I’m sorry. You will have to take it outside and either throw it away or hide it somewhere.”

I apologized again and ran outside and threw it in the first trashcan I found. (Sorry Jalon, I will buy you another.)

When I came back in, the very funny gentleman that was behind me during this whole adventure, let me go ahead of him in line. So polite until he said, “Need to get the riffraff through the line first.”

Crap. That’s me. The Knife-Wielding Stay At Home Mom. I sound more threatening than I actually am. The thought of actually poking someone with a knife is enough to make me want to blow chunks.

All that work and I still don’t get to apply for my passport. I have to retake my photo.

Why?

Because I have squinty eyes when I smile and since I wore glasses, my eyes were invisible. (I’m including a random photo of my face as an example.) Apparently they need to see my actual EYEBALL to make sure.

Make sure of what? I have no clue.

IT’S MY FACE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!

Now I get to go through that entire process again tomorrow.

Lucky me.

At least we’re officially out of pocket knives now and the security guards know me by name.

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