I’ve been reading quite a bit online about body image. There’s a TON out there, about how we should be happy with our bodies. And I agree. We should be happy with our bodies.
However, I’m not always happy with it.
Sometimes I hate it.
Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, I can’t even get dressed for the day, fearing what jeans won’t fit, or a t-shirt that will be too tight. Drawstring sweatpants and extra large t-shirts are my go-to uniform most days.
I don’t always love my body.
Can I fix that?
I don’t know.
I’m OK with most parts of me.
For example, I’ve accepted that I will always have big feet.
There’s no way around that. I won’t ever be one of those girls that can wear a size 6. I’m a size 9 1/2-10. The only time it really pisses me off is when I see a super cute pair of vintage shoes that are sizes too small for me.
I’ve come to terms with my legs. They may not be small, but they are strong. I like that. I like feeling strength in them when I run.
I’ve even accepted my arms. They are a little flabby, but it’s ok. I just give good hugs.
However, there’s a part of my body I just don’t feel like I’ll ever accept or enjoy. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable wearing a bikini or wearing a dress without a body shaper underneath.
It’s my belly.
Belly and I have had some serious battles growing up. It’s always been on the “pudgy” side. I’ve never had abs that I can actually see (not that I actually tried real hard to obtain those anyway).
I’ve always had this fluff around the middle.
As much as I appreciate the extra padding for warmth in the winter, I’m never really comfortable in jeans and shirts because of it. I am constantly aware of it.
It’s not so much the pudge that bothers me, it’s the extra skin.
I have lots of extra skin, due to carrying the twins almost 6 years ago. Apparently, my body chose to keep all that extra skin for some reason. I’m not one of the lucky ones that obtains my pre-pregnancy body after giving birth.
Yes, the extra handles on the side could be eliminated with working out, I’m sure. I could probably even tone down my tummy so it wouldn’t bulge out so much.
But I can still feel it. I feel all that extra skin when I run. It moves. It jiggles along in rhythm to my running music.
There’s no escaping it.
No matter how many miles I run, no matter how many ice creams I trade for bananas, I will still always have that extra skin. My husband has offered surgery, just to help me feel better about myself.
But maybe it won’t help me. What if it’s all in my head and I just need to come to terms with this. What if I get the surgery, feel wonderful, but then realize there’s another part of my body that I need to fix now. What’s next?
When would I stop?
Yes, I could fix my stomach skin with surgery, but while I’m there, why don’t I get a boob lift as well? Pregnancy and age destroyed them too. And, while I’m out, could you maybe adjust my arm flab? That way it’s gone. I’ve also always wanted a better butt…can you fix that too? Maybe I should…
Maybe I should just accept it.
Maybe I won’t actually ever really love it. But I need to get over it and accept it as part of me now. Because the other option just isn’t for me.
Plus, I’m a 100% sure I’m not the only one in a constant battle with my own body image.