For this summer, I will be doing a quick series of my Top Ten. Each week will feature a different Top Ten of mine and hopefully, they will all make sense.
For today I will be doing this:
Top Ten Reasons I Kind Of Suck At Parenting:
- Tooth fairy– This is probably the easiest job you have as a parent. Kid loses tooth. Kid puts tooth under pillow (or in our case, on dresser). Tooth fairy switches out tooth for money. Done and done. We even made it easier on our Tooth fairy by not putting it under the pillow. We leave it RIGHT BY THE DAMN DOOR on the dresser. SUPER EASY. However, our tooth fairy is incredibly forgetful. Morgan’s tooth sat there for 3 days. She forgot it was even there, so when money finally appeared, she thought it was an accident. I tell the kids stories about her and her hilarious failings. We are her only family and she’s working hard on becoming the tooth fairy for the neighborhood so be forgiving of her forgetfulness. Damn tooth fairy. You have ONE JOB! Also, she suddenly appears in the middle of the day. Like today, for example. Declan noticed it was the second day in a row his tooth remained untouched. BUT, while he was playing video games and was totally distracted, POOF, tooth gone, money appeared. Magic.
- Breakfast for Dinner– I know lots of families that do this. It’s not that uncommon. However, our breakfasts are cereal. So when I say “BREAKFAST for DINNER” I literally mean, “Pour yourself a bowl of cereal and be happy.” No, I do not do this often. How “often” is “often”? Cereal is a healthy choice…maybe not the ones I serve, but they have SOME healthy bits in them. I’m pretty sure Lucky Charms has some vitamins in there that can be helpful. The milk doesn’t turn green for good luck. It’s green because it’s healthy. Lettuce and Broccoli are Green. Therefore, Green= healthy. Logic. Boom.
- Breakfast for Breakfast– This time I actually mean pancakes or things “other people” consider breakfast. The other day we were actually OUT of cereal. (And no, it’s not because we had cereal for dinner. It’s because I’m a slacker and waited too long to grocery shop.) My kids complained. I had to do something to get them to be quiet. I got up and, very reluctantly, made pancakes, mostly because it was all I had. My kids thought it was a holiday. Evan told me it was the best breakfast he’s ever had and I’m a wonderful Mom. Remember that when we have cereal for dinner…
- Forgot to Put a Child to Bed– I felt terrible. Ok, here’s how our bedtime routine goes: Each kid gets tucked in by me. Jalon comes in after to give them kisses and turn off the lights. However, Jalon ran to the bathroom in between one of these sessions and forgot to say good night to Morgan. And we were kind of in a hurry to watch Orange is the New Black that night. Which meant, for about 30 minutes, she just sat in her bed, playing with her stuffed animals, waiting for Daddy to say good night and turn off her lights. Did she think to get out of bed to tell us? No. Did she make ANY sounds at all? Nope. We saw a light reflecting on the wall and checked it out. She didn’t seem to mind much. Just giggled and then went to sleep. I felt terrible.
- Cleaning Music– I like to listen to music when I clean house. Typically, we listen to country music, but the kids don’t really enjoy it. So I will turn on the Black Eyed Peas on Pandora and they will go nuts! Unfortunately, I can’t really control Pandora. Every now and then a song will come on that’s just a bit inappropriate. Like, Turn Down For What. Although, the amount of cleaning that gets done during these songs is incredible. So worth it.
- Movie Days- Morgan and Evan’s favorite movie is The Ghostbusters. From the 80’s. She loves the “Marshmallow guy”. Declan’s favorite movie is Avengers. Seriously. No cartoon crap in this house. Don’t get me wrong, they will watch the cartoon/Pixar movies, but they won’t choose them over and over again. I think I’ve seen Ghostbusters 8 times already and I just bought it 5 days ago. They also really loved Twister. However, they were learning LOTS of choice swear words, so I had to pull it from our regularly scheduled programming. Which is sad, because they would literally sit still as stone for the entire length of that movie. Declan called his sister “Bitch” once and blamed it on that movie. Darn it.
- Nap Time- Apparently, my kids are “too old” for nap time. However, I’m not. So when I need a quick snooze in the middle of the day, Mommy comes up with the “Let’s Be Quiet And Watch A Movie” moment. Sometimes I tell them to grab their blankies, a snack and something to drink because we’re about to have a super awesome movie day! Sometimes it works, most times it fails. I can usually pull it off on rainy days, but my nap times don’t always coincide with rainy days. Declan isn’t falling for my crap anymore and knows that when it’s sunny, he can ride his bike.
- Parks/Playgrounds- I start out every summer with GREAT intentions of visiting the BEST parks of the Twin Cities. But when the time comes to actually go, I realize how far away they are, how hot it is outside, the fact that I’ll probably just tell them to stop fighting, and cancel the whole thing. Plus, we have one of those Playground things in the backyard, that’s basically the same thing, right? This summer, that’s going to change…hopefully. It hasn’t yet, but the summer isn’t over.
- Ask Your Dad– Which means, I don’t feel like answering you right now. Or maybe it means, this question is hilarious and I want to hear what your Dad’s response will be. It could also mean, I can’t believe you actually asked me this in front of your friend, I’m not answering in front of your friend. And, if you interrupt a nap, this will be my response for sure.
- I’m a Terrible Influence– Hands got dirty at dinner? Use your shirt. Want great music to clean to? Go ahead and dance, but if I ever hear you singing these lyrics out loud, you are so done. Caught me sneaking a cookie before dinner? Have one, but tell anyone, and you are done! Want to stay up late to watch Hell’s Kitchen? Fine, but don’t be crabby tomorrow. What does my coffee taste like? Go ahead and have some, but you don’t get your own until you can pay for it on your own. We’re out of milk, OJ and there’s no lemonade made? Fine, have a pop, I don’t care.
I should probably be fired. Although, I’ll have you know, I spent a whole hour today, walking around our neighborhood hunting Pokémon. There’s a new app for devices called Pokémon GO and you basically walk around with your cell phone, GPS on, and hunt for Pokémon outside. For reals! We only caught two because I have weird rules about not going into people’s backyards, without their knowledge, to hunt things that don’t actually exist.
That should more than makeup for all my failings.